15 Questions To Ask Swingers- why I chose to write this article.
Recently, S and I received a very intrusive (in our opinion) and lengthy (52 question) questionnaire from a fellow swinger couple we met online. Now, I understand that asking questions and establishing rules and boundaries is vital when meeting other swingers, especially if you want to incorporate any BDSM practices into your swinging. I fully support and encourage conversations between all involved so that you enjoy swapping partners; it’s one of the topics that I frequently write on!
However, this 3 page intrusive, vulgar and explicit list of what we may/ may not enjoy, wanting us to disclose incredibly intimate information about ourselves, was utterly unnecessary.
We are both experienced swingers, and we are both open-minded and liberal adults; S and I don’t scare easily. However, we were both shocked and appalled by the sender’s requests. Because I still can’t get over just how atrocious it was, I’ve included some screenshots for you in this article, so you can see exactly what I’m talking about!
As you have probably gathered, this is why I have chosen to share with you a detailed and dedicated article on 15 Questions To Ask Swingers
15 Questions To Ask Swingers
Asking the right questions to potential swinger couples and single people is vital to ensure you all have a safe and enjoyable time together. Sometimes, a couple can appear to be comfortable partaking in the swinger lifestyle. However, once you chat with them, you discover that their comfort levels differ significantly from your own.
A while ago, I had reservations about swinging with a single girl, but once I began to chat with her and understand what she was looking for, the conversation we enjoyed proceeded to put my mind at ease! I’m not saying you print this list out and grill potential couples. But, by asking these questions, especially if done over a whats app group chat where all participants can join in, you will be able to understand what all parties are hoping to achieve from meeting.
These questions can be used in any situation, for single people or couples. Whether you meet them online, are chatting during a first swinger date, or inside a club, be sure to ask these 15 screening questions to your potential swinger playmates before you take your clothes off!
How long have you been into the lifestyle?
Are they experienced or just starting out on their adventure? If they are not experienced but eager to learn, then playing with an experienced couple can aid them on their journey! Or perhaps they have had more experience than yourselves and can teach you new techniques. In my opinion, swinging with newbies is excellent, especially when they realise just how fantastic life can be!
How long have they been together? Or, how long have you been single?
Sometimes, some couples become rock solid swingers within only a few years of dating, whereas others come into swinging after ten years of married life. There’s no hard and fast rule. Some people are cautious about playing with couples who haven’t been together very long. They sometimes avoid playing with couples who are still in the honeymoon period of their relationship or marriage. I know this may not be the case for all couples, and sometimes deep friendships turn into relationships.
As a general rule, many swingers look for clues as to a couples longevity. The bottom line is couples who swing don’t like drama, and sometimes drama is associated with newer relationships, but I know this isn’t always the case! S and I met, fell in love and got involved in the scene from the get-go.
Playing with single people is fine too, but I would opt for those that are newly single as again, their emotional state might not be in the best place to start swinging. After I became single, it took me ten months to feel ready to meet swinger couples again. I’m pleased I waited, as I needed to ensure my emotions were in check before I met other people. I knew I wanted to continue my swinger lifestyle, but I wanted to be 100% myself first.
What are your rules and boundaries?
Always establish rules and boundaries first! Before you start discussing what you all like and don’t like, you need to know what’s hot and what’s not. Some couples only like soft play; some have a no passionate kissing rule; some couples don’t like a guy to orgasm inside the woman, or the man, even with a condom. You must establish this first! You may find that some couples say they don’t have any rules. I would be very wary of these swingers! A relaxed attitude to rules could easily mean a relaxed approach to safe sex. Plus, you don’t want to be in the middle of something, then one of them suddenly decides they have a problem with what’s happening.
Always establish boundaries! Safety should always be first on the agenda, and if you are new to the lifestyle, it is a good idea to form your rules and boundaries around having safe sex. Deciding on your limits could be only enjoying soft swap, or only engaging in penetrative sex with your partner.
What do they like?
There are a million and one different sex acts, scenarios, fetishes, kinks and positions out there! Once you get chatting about them, you will discover new and inventive ways to play! Sometimes it can be a little awkward to bring up your fantasies and desires on a first date or while having an initial chat at a party, so think about what’s achievable and the type of swingers you are talking to. Going in with all guns blazing is not advisable. All too often, I have witnessed people getting a little overzealous.
Discussing your love of deep anal fisting probably isn’t the best idea with people new to swinging, and I wouldn’t recommend bringing it up in a not so private club setting. Start mainstream and gradually work up from there. Remember, building up trust is so important when discussing what you like and don’t like; the first time I met a swinger couple, we took it steady, and it was quite vanilla, but that suited me just fine!
STI and STD check-ups and their approach to safe sex.
Do they regularly have STI checks done? When was the last time they were checked for HIV? You may not want to ask these questions, but you don’t have to be so clinical about the way you word them.
‘Do you guys have plenty of condoms? I stocked up on loads in the week!’
This is an informal and polite way of broaching the subject. Again, if they say ‘No,’ you can either offer yours, but I would proceed with caution. I wouldn’t be comfortable playing with people who don’t bring protection. If someone isn’t prepared, then I do tend to see that as a bit of a red flag!
‘Have you heard about that new STD testing service from SHL? it’s great; we used it recently!’
Another way of bringing the topic of sexual health into the conversation politely and informally. If they reply that yes, they have used it, or have had a test recently at their local sexual health clinic, then that’s great. If you don’t get much in the way of a response, then again, I would be cautious. Those who do get tested regularly and take a lot of precautions are the ones who are happy to discuss it with you!
Have you signed up to any websites or been to any parties?
It’s always great to share ideas and information. Sadly I simply haven’t had time to try all the clubs, events and websites out! So I do like to hear about other individuals experiences. Recently, I was chatting with one of my fans who is based in Florida. His experiences of using a particular swinger dating site have been very different from my own due to his location.
Some specialised clubs are very discreetly run, so finding out about them can be a challenge! Sharing knowledge is a great way to learn more about the lifestyle.
What hobbies and interests do you have?
I’m not talking about fly fishing or animal husbandry, but there are some hobbies that you may have in common that could be included in a swingers date or meet. Salsa dancing, wine tasting, pairs tennis? These activities are all friendly, fun and take the pressure off sitting making small talk! Getting to know one another while enjoying an activity is a great idea, especially dancing, which is already sexy and intimate! Other great swinger dates ideas include bowling or an outdoor picnic (cheap and informal). Naturally, you will probably find it easiest to strike up a conversation with couples who have similar interests to your own, so do some digging!
How would they like to communicate?
Some swingers I have met like to have a dedicated what’s app group, whereas others like to chat via webcam. Others prefer to email, and some want to talk over the phone. Whatever method you choose, you should always ensure that all parties are included in the conversation. When one spouse is left out of the conversation (without good reason), it’s another red flag. Typically, most genuine couples are happy to set up a 4-way chat group or present on a call. If you are being met with excuses as to why she/he isn’t involved, then I would politely decline to continue the conversation.
What new experiences would they like to try?
I don’t know about you, but when I chat with like-minded people about something both they and I love, I become inspired by their contribution. You may not all be ready for Japanese Shibari, but further down the line, you could perhaps attend a class together? When you discuss and explore new scenarios and possibilities, I have no doubt you will become inspired by what you hear. Many swinger couples are either Bicurious or Bisexual and are sometimes seeking out multiple partners to enjoy this with! Don’t keep your desires a secret; if you feel comfortable sharing, then do!
Do they have any questions for you before you play?
You must discuss as much as possible before you take each other’s clothes off! There might well be questions that they want to ask, maybe about your relationship’s dynamics or how you got into the lifestyle yourselves? I always encourage new couples to ask as many questions as they wish to. I am asked two questions quite frequently: does being nonmonogamous lead to jealousy, and how old were you when you first swung?
What are the dynamics of their relationship?
Within every relationship, we have set roles that we adhere to. At parties, if I’m a little more submissive (on rare occasions, that can happen), I like my guy to look after me, especially if it’s a BDSM party. I know that not all couples are into BDSM, dominance and submission, but I believe there are traits of these characteristics within each individual. Does one person always take the lead in initiating sex? Perhaps one partner is more comfortable being in control? It’s always a good idea to know roughly what to expect from another couple and their dynamics.
What is their opinion on alcohol?
Alcohol provides social lubrication, and in most swinger settings, there will be alcohol available, whether that’s in the form of a bar or a BYOB policy. Not everyone drinks, and some people are very cautious about drinking in excess or playing with those that have been drinking. Always ask first! I find it quite a turn off when people are insistent on drinking and will only play once they feel suitably drunk.
Where are you planning to meet?
If you are chatting with swingers online, especially those from the same area, it’s common to arrange to meet them at a club or event. This can be a great way to ease into the lifestyle. If you already have been discussing various topics with them privately and feel a little shy about approaching strangers in a club, already knowing another couple will be at the party can take some of the pressure off!
If arranging a swingers first date, then a bar or social event, such as wine tasting or salsa dancing, can also be a great idea. When planning the meeting, take into consideration where everyone lives and be as accomodating as possible. Some swinger newbies may feel slightly apprehensive about meeting and playing straight away, so I’d always suggest going on a regular date first!
Are you planning a hotel to meet? Or a private house?
Sometimes it’s far easier to meet swingers in a neutral setting such as a rented apartment or hotel, especially if you dont mind travelling to meet one another. I’m not a fan of meeting couples in their own homes as I wouldn’t say I like to intrude on their private space, and I’m not too fond of mine being infringed upon either. Meeting at a club or event takes away the pressures of having to book and organise something yourselves.
What are the sleeping arrangements?
This may sound a bit strange, but trust me, you want to discuss these things first! If you are renting a private apartment or using a hotel, will you stay there overnight? I have had offers to stay at other couples houses for a weekend, but I find this to be intrusive. By all means, you could stay all in one rented apartment, but it is not something I would do. I like to return to my private world after swinging!
For S and I, getting in our own bed, feeling sexually satisfied after swinging is one of the best feelings.