Do Women Like To Swing? Help! My Husband Wants Me To Try Swinging!
Do Women Like To Swing?Help! My Husband Wants Me To Try Swinging! A while ago, I wrote an article titled ‘How Can I Convince My Wife To Try Swinging?‘. The article itself came about after I received an email with this question as to the subject header. The piece I wrote in response to the email has received a lot of great feedback, and the question is one of the most popular that would be swingers ask me.
Yesterday, I received another email. This time it was from a husband who had spoken to his wife about starting swinging (yeah!), but her response had been not overly positive. He asked me for advice on what to do next and why I think his wife responded this way?
Was there anything I could do to help her?
Well, I’m not a magician.
I can’t make people want to try swinging, but I can share my knowledge and expertise.
I can explain what swinging is and let them come up with their own conclusions. After all, I’m not here to ‘sell’ swinging to people.
I’m not here to wave my couple swap magic wand and turn your wife into a swinger, but what I can do is enlighten her as to what the lifestyle is all about.
The email had now got me thinking. How had the wife come to her conclusions? What had influenced her to make these assumptions? How are swinger women portrayed in traditional society? And how do women view men that swing?
As you can imagine, there are a lot of questions to be answered here, so if you are sitting comfortably, I shall begin!
Firstly, here is an exert from the said email;
Dear Thiskindagirl, I am married to a quite conservative woman. She loves sex and is open to us watching porn together, but I have got some resistance when opening up the idea of having an open relationship and swinging.
She thinks if she does this, that I won’t love her anymore. She says that ‘it’s not a manly thing to do as being a man means being protectively jealous of his woman.
I love my wife, but how do I get her to open up about the idea without getting rejected?
She told me that ‘I am not a slut; women who enjoy this are sluts how can you claim to love me but let me fuck another man?’
I would have thought like men, women would love to have the opportunity to have many sexual partners. Is it not an innate biological desire in both men and women?
I would appreciate your advice,
If I Swing Does It Make Me A Slut?
A few years ago, I would have found it difficult not to get upset by being branded a slut. After all, seen as I am Thiskindagirl; swinging Lifestyle guru, sexpert and ethical non-monogamy goddess, surely, this would make me the biggest slut of all, right?
You can call me what you like; I’m not here to challenge anyone’s pre-existing ideas of what makes another woman a ‘slut’.
We are all the product of our surroundings, our upbringing, the society that we live in and the norms and values that this society upholds. I understand that we are heavily influenced by societal expectations when it comes to what is acceptable and what is not. My take on women who swing, explore, enjoy sexual liberation, are sex-positive, or engage in anything that isn’t strictly baby-making is this; you are acknowledging and accepting your sexuality. You are grabbing hold of it with both hands and shaping it to suit you. This isn’t to say that baby-making sex isn’t positive and enjoyable; I’m merely highlighting what society deems as ‘acceptable’ and not.
I can not define what makes someone a ‘slut’; my honest opinion is that there is no such thing. In my world, there is only expressing and exploring your sexuality. A woman can be many things, and if she is comfortable enough within her sexuality to embrace those desires and act upon them, then that is something to be celebrated. I can’t change this woman’s preconceived ideas about what she constitutes a slut to be, and I wouldn’t want to, but what I can say is, please don’t shame other women, sis.
Does It Mean My Husband Doesn’t Love Me?
Being a swinger or being involved in the lifestyle does not mean in any way that you are loved less or less desired by your partner. Swinging should only ever complement your existing relationship. It should enhance it, but never be a replacement, physically or emotionally. Swinging is never a replacement for love. Just because you may have sex with others, it doesn’t mean the love you have for your existing partner diminishes in some way or wasn’t there, to begin with. Husbands may decide they want to start swinging for different reasons; one of these reasons is not ‘because I don’t love my wife.’
To answer this question further, we need to discuss swinger sex and love. We need to talk about how and why it is essential to separate love and sex.
It is much easier for men to separate the two, which is one reason why very rarely men ask me this question.
However, it is a question that women ask pretty frequently, and in fact, I asked it too when I first started swinging. For most women, the separation of love and sex is not easy to achieve; after all, we women find it a lot harder to have sex without emotional attachment.
The differences between men and women are hardwired into our mammal DNA. However, once you understand the differences and accept that it is simply the way our brains are wired up, it is much easier to separate the two, regardless of your gender. I believe love and sex must be separated when you swing.
Sure, you can have sex with other people, but that’s all it is.
It’s not love. Love is an emotional response, a deeper connection that is nurtured over time.
The love you feel for your husband or wife is entirely separate from the sexual emotions that you may experience when you swing.
In most cases, couples that swing discover that their relationships deepen over time, and the love they feel for one another becomes more cemented. The emotional security that comes with having a non-monogamous relationship can leave so many many couples content; they wonder why they didn’t start swinging earlier. Trust deepens and the moment they start being open and honest with one another is when they can start to build a solid swinger foundation. It is a really curious concept that opening up your relationship can make you closer.
Why Does My Husband Want To Swing?
There are many different reasons that someone may wish to be involved in the swinger lifestyle; no two people get involved for the same reasons. Very often, it’s a combination of reasons rather than one specific one. There are quite honestly hundreds of ways to play, from being voyeurs in clubs to bdsm parties, to playing with single guys or girls or having a close network of married swinger friends. Once you start exploring the possibilities, you will realise there are lots of ways to have fun.
Sometimes, it is easy to fall into the mindset that if your partner wants to swing, then somehow, that desire has been born out of a lack of sexual desire for you or a lack of interest in your relationship.
Being self-critical is one thing that we are all susceptible of doing from time to time!
Suppose a person doesn’t verbalise their reasons for wanting to be involved in the swinger lifestyle, and instead, they simply reel off a list of ideal fantasy scenarios or describes to them what they have seen in porn. In that case, they may leave the other partner confused about their expectations.
Suppose the swinging discussion is too explicit and too one-sided? It is easy to see why the other partner in the relationship may believe that their curiosity in the lifestyle has been born out of a lack of interest in them or the relationship.
Does Sharing His Wife Makes Him Less Of A Man?
Let’s go back to the question,
‘She believes it’s not a manly thing to do as being a man means being protectively jealous of his woman.’
The notion that any man who shares his wife is ‘less of a man is, in my opinion, quite absurd. But I can understand how she has come to these conclusions. After all, we often measure how attractive someone is on how jealous their partner becomes when the other person is desired. Sometimes I have heard women say to their partners, ‘you’re not jealous enough’ as though jealous behaviour is a demonstration of a man’s devotion or affection for you.
So, what equates to ‘being a man?’ Again, this is one that society has a lot to answer for. I am probably in the minority when I share what I believe to be characteristics of a man. But it’s my blog, so I’ll share what I like!
For me, the mark of a ‘man’ is a person (not necessarily a man) who is secure and comfortable within their own sexuality. A person who can accept and embrace who they are – someone who doesn’t feel the need to demonstrate ‘ownership’ over their partner.
In my opinion, a man is someone who can take a step back and say, ‘yes, my wife and I swing, but I am so confident and secure within our relationship that I do not feel the need to exercise my authority over another man. I know that what we have is unique and special, and it doesn’t matter who we meet; noone can replace the bonds that we have.’
Although I do understand where the desire for an ‘alpha’ male stems from, I think what we perceive to be ‘manly’ is totally ridiculous. A guy who can express his emotions, in a calm, clear and concise manner, for me, gets my vote every time!
Why Do We Act Negatively To The Idea Of Swinging?
When we are faced with situations, ideas and scenarios that challenge our belief system and comfort levels, very often, our first response can be a negative one. Before we have had the chance to understand or comprehend the situation fully, we have pre-judged and preformed our ideas without any sort of prior investigation.
But it is essential to realise that this response is entirely normal. Being defensive is our way of protecting ourselves against things that we believe pose a threat to us and our relationships.
Opening up your marriage is something that takes a great deal of courage and is very much a gradual process. One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that they rush into describing what they would like to see/ experience without really appreciating what this entails. I do fully support and encourage honest conversation between couples, but when one person never even contemplated the idea of swinging, and the other one describes in detail as to what they would to happen… the expectations of the two individuals are so mismatched that very often one partner feels wholly overwhelmed and responds negatively.
So what can you do to stop this from happening? The first step is to get a realistic understanding of what swinging is. Read blog articles, watch youtube videos, educate yourselves. Yes, you can watch porn, but very often, this is quite unrealistic. After all, they would never make a porn film about cuddling in bed and discussing your rules and limits! But what they would make a porn film about is ‘hotwife gets gangbanged first time swinging party’. Now I don’t need to tell you that one of these is more appealing than the other for a person who has never even contemplated swinging. However, I feel that this subject in itself deserves a whole blog post!
As I said at the beginning of this article, I am not here to make your wives and girlfriends, husbands or boyfriend suddenly become swingers. I can offer my advice and share my swinger life experiences, but there really is no simple quick fix! Although one of you may initiate the conversation, you have to both be on the same page for it to work.Come and get involved on social!