How To Find A Dominatrix

How To Find A Dominatrix, a guide for couples. You may be surprised that I (a dedicated swinger, longterm lifestyler and sexpert) have decided to write an article on how to find a dominatrix, after all, I myself am Dom. However, this article is written from the swinger couples perspective

As you may have guessed, S and I have just had the pleasure of serving a particular mistress, and I couldn’t let the opportunity to write up this how-to guide pass me by. I’m also going to share with you a ‘what it’s like to be dommed with your partner – real-life experience post’ but first, back to the article in hand!

Here you will find my top tips, Do’s and absolutely Do Nots (unless you want severe punishment) as well as advice for reconnecting, communicating and having safe sex. So, as ever, slip that BDSM collar around your neck and let me teach you all I know about How To Find A Dominatrix, a guide for couples.

Why Swinger Couples May Want To Use A Mistress 

When you think of a professional Dominatrix, and the clients or people who use them, it’s hard not to envision middle-aged businessmen, asking for their balls to be busted by a PVC clad whip-wielding goddess. 

I certainly did, and have done for many years. Please don’t think that this is your fault however; if you think of how female Doms are portrayed in popular culture and porn, this image is all too familiar.

So. Did our Mistress fit the bill? Well, yes and no…

Yes, in the sense that she was sexy as hell and did brandish several whips and floggers but no in the sense that she was one of the nicest, most down to earth women you could ever hope to meet. 

You may be aware that I am quite Dom myself, especially those of you who already know a little bit about thiskindagirl. S plays the submissive boyfriend role perfectly, and I don’t need any encouragement to slip on my thigh-high boots. 

So why then did we decide to splash out on a pro-Dominatrix? The simple answer was that we wanted to enjoy being submissive together with someone who knew exactly what they were doing and was happy to be dominant with a bisexual woman. 

Instead of going down the usual route of seeking out a dominant swinger woman or swinger couple, we decided to use a professional Domme instead as our needs were quite specific. Plus, we consider ourselves experienced in the BDSM lifestyle and wanted someone who would push our boundaries. 

Where To Find A Dominatrix 

As ever, if you want to find anything these days, heading online is the most convenient method of seeking out whatever you wish to discover. And in this case, it was a bisexual Dominatrix in the South East who was happy to play with a swinger couple. Not an easy person to find! Yes, there are plenty of Dommes, and yes there are professional mistresses who advertise online but finding one who we both felt comfortable with was so important. 

Luckily S’s google search did pay off, and after some searching, we found our Mistress who came on the recommendations of other Dommes. 

As well as using the internet to search, you can also use specialised sites such as bdsm.com or fet life, and talk to other people in the kink community to see what recommendations are made. Social media is also a popular choice, as many Dommes use Instagram and Twitter to reach out to their fans and followers. 

What Do You Wish To Experience? 

As this article is aimed at couples who want to find a Dominatrix, I will mainly be writing about their needs; however, the same information applies to single people too (men and women) so listen up! 

Before you start scouring the internet, you need to seriously think about what you want to experience. Are you both wanting to be dommed? Or is one of you wanting to join in domming with the Mistress? Or instead, watch bound and gagged? Unable to join in? 

How hard are your limits? Is face slapping ok? Spitting? Spanking? 

It would help if you discussed your limits both as individuals and as a couple before starting your search. 

Remember that a session with a mistress is unique and incredibly personal so the more you share with one another and in turn, share with her, the more you will get out of it. It can be challenging to open up, trust me, I know, but once you do, (and you have spent time finding a mistress who is personable and professional) it will be a lot easier.

You will find that some mistresses have their dungeon space and offer sessions in the confines of their dungeon play area, whereas others will travel to a hotel. You can also hire a dungeon for the session and very often, a mistress will be able to recommend ones locally.  

How To Find a Suitable Mistress

Before we arranged any play, S and I sent a series of emails and WhatsApp messages to our chosen Mistress. We had clear communication from the start and the fact that she was inclusive of us both, put our minds at ease. The next step was to have a call with her a few days before meeting to discuss our limits, expectations, and shared fantasies with her. She also wanted to address any concerns we might have and talk to us both to ensure we were in full agreement of the session.

During the call, she covered safe sex, whether we wanted penetrating by means of dildos and straps on and the use of safewords and limitations. She wanted to learn more about our relationship and get a general idea of how we liked to have sex. 

Although S had initially contacted her, (he wanted to surprise me as a special treat) she was keen to speak with us both together to be sure we were both on the same page and no coercion was taking place. 

Finding A Dominatrix- The Do’s

  • Be realistic. She isn’t going to have sex with you, perform any sex acts on you or run off with you into the sunset. Professional Doms are discreet, professional and careful and in most cases, absolutely lovely too! An experienced Dom should work hard to put your mind at ease and make the whole process a breeze. Sure she may have you bound and gagged, but she won’t leave a mark or trace (unless you ask her too). It’s her job to turn fantasy fun into reality!
  • Do your research first! Not all Doms offer all services, and some specialise in specific services (i.e. couples and Bisexuals), it makes sense to have a thorough read-through of what they offer before you approach them. 
  • If there is a particular toy you have, or item you enjoy using or being used on you, make sure you include it and tell her what you want! Dominatrix are amazing, but they aren’t mind readers! Even if she has a well-stocked dungeon, if it’s important, don’t be shy! Our Mistress asked for pictures of our toys before meeting so that she knew exactly what we already had and didn’t have. 
  • Do stress the importance of safe sex. Although ‘sex’ wasn’t on the menu, I stressed the importance of using separate toys for anal to vaginal sex or anal to oral sex, and this was something she agreed with. We all know that ATM happens and of course, you see it in porn, but in reality, anything that comes out of one should be cleaned before it goes in another. 
  • Do make time to set the scene and present yourselves. S and I both are quite vain and don’t need any excuse to spend hours in the bathroom. We spent time planning our outfits, preparing the room and getting in the mindset. It all added to the experience! 
  • Reconnection is key! After the play session was over S and I went out for dinner and spent the night discussing how the experience had been. We spoke about what we loved, what we enjoyed more than we thought we would, and what we perhaps wouldn’t like to experience again. I can’t stress to you how vital reconnecting after any swinger or BDSM play is. By discussing our feelings and emotions, we communicated with one another about how we were feeling. S was experiencing compersion, which was new to him. 
  • Do make sure you establish where and when is ok for you both to orgasm. Before the play commencing, Mistress asked us both where was ok to orgasm and at what point. Yes, this sounds clinical, but it made the experience so much more enjoyable. 

Finding A Dominatrix- The Dont’s 

  • Don’t expect any kind of sexual intimacy. Yes, we specifically sought out a Bisexual dom, but this was so she was comfortable playing with a naked me. Not because we expected any kind of woman on woman intimacy. 
  • Don’t be shy! Easier said than done, I know! When you first approach a Dominatrix, either on a lifestyle dating site or via her own website, be polite, courteous and to the point. Sending messages such as ‘I want to be your slave’ or ‘how can I serve you’ will land you with nothing. If you want the service she is offering, then say so. 
  • Don’t get offended if she wants her tribute (money) upfront. We left the cash next to an espresso martini she had requested. During the initial call we had had in the week, these two conditions had been set out by her. We were happy to oblige. 

Playing With A Dominatrix- In Conclusion

When S first suggested to me that we pay for a professional Dom, I was unsure. Yes, I had played with dominants before and met all kinds of swingers in dungeon scenarios over the years, but I had never indulged in a Professional Dom. I was curious, though, and the more we spoke about it, the more I began to shape my own ideas and fantasies. My main concern was that a professional Dom might not be interested in domming a couple, especially the female half. However, after we had spent time searching for the perfect match for our needs, my concerns melted away.

Before the play commenced, she and I spend time alone discussing hard limits and female stimulation so she could be sure I would find the experience pleasurable.

I strongly recommend that if you decide to go down the professional Dominatrix route, and you are a Bi woman, then seek out a Dom who knows her way around a woman’s body, and you never know, she might just reward you with a cheeky kiss! 

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