How To Tell My Boyfriend I Want To Try Swinging

How To Tell My Boyfriend I Want To Try Swinging Today, I have received a question from someone whose position I think we can all relate to; being in a long term relationship but desperately longing for more excitement. 

Now, you could instantly jump in with, well, long term means less excitement TKG; we can’t all be living the sexy life and enjoying swinger parties when we have families at home! 

Can’t we? Are you sure?

Maybe that’s how you see the world, but for me, I like my readers to have it all! And this particular question was sent to me by a woman who wants to experience so much more from life; however, her predicament is that she isn’t sure how to get it without hurting her partner. 

Fear not, for I, your sexy shepherdess, is here to guide you, my lifestyle lambs and teach you How To Tell Your Boyfriend You Want To Try Swinging. 

However, before we get started, it’s important to remember that I always take the stance of someone who believes that we are individuals in a relationship, so if you find that kind of thing challenging to accept, look away now. 

Oh good, your mature enough to realise that a relationship is about two individuals coming together to complement one another’s lives, not dominate them. 

Let’s get straight down to business. Here is the question that I received from a woman that I shall refer to as C. 

Can I Be A Unicorn In The Swinger Lifestyle?

Hello TKG, 

I’ve been reading through your website and have found it most informative, but I still have a few questions and am looking for some advice.

I’m nearly 30 Years of age and feel my life is missing that excitement/spark.

I’ve had “vanilla” Relationships, and they just don’t excite me.

I’ve been asked to join couples and friends before, where I knew them both closely but thought it was not expected or something that I should do, but it’s always on my mind.

I have never shied away from playing or exploring different types of pleasure.

The problem for me now is I’ve been in a relationship for several years, and the sex has not been there. Foreplay does not happen; kissing doesn’t happen. The touchy-feely part that fills you with wanting, need and desire is gone. I have more of a sexual connection with my vibrator. I find myself thinking of it as a chore as he will often receive oral pleasure, but it’s never returned. 

As a result of this, my confidence is non-existence; I miss being touched and the excitement of it all.

The more I think of becoming a Unicorn, the more I find myself thinking about these different events. But how would I tell my partner? What if I go ahead and it’s not for me? I need desire and excitement, but how do I do this without making any mistakes or hurting people? 

Dear C, 

First of all, thank you for reaching out to me; I know that so many of my readers will relate to your situation. Here at TKG, I’m all about women taking hold of their sexuality, accepting it and adding a large dose of what they want in life. 

Mix these two together, and you have the makings of a pretty badass female. 

So, rest assured, you have come to the right place.  

Your email contains many inspiring points, and I feel there is no easy or right answer. I’ll break your situation down, provide some insight into what you can do about certain aspects, and explain why what you are feeling is perfectly normal. 

I believe that you are an extremely open-minded woman who knows that sexual enjoyment and sexuality cannot and should not be overlooked. Although you have responsibilities and commitments to your family life, you seek a way to enjoy both without hurting people close to you or jeopardising the life you have created together. 

When we are in a relationship, especially a long term one, it can be easy for us to lose sight of who we are and neglect our own needs and desires. We can become sexually complacent, and to a certain degree, we are all guilty of this. But making compromises and working with somebody is what being in a relationship is about, especially if you decide to start a family or live together long term.

Taking on different roles such as becoming a mother, a wife, or sole income provider can all mean that your sexual desires and wants are put on the back burner as you focus on other areas of your life. Sadly for you, I feel you may have left them neglected for too long. 

I also recognise and fully appreciate that you perhaps haven’t spoken up about your desires as you haven’t wanted to ‘rock the boat’. Trust me when I say that I understand precisely how easy this is to do. The last thing you want is to create any potential friction or misunderstanding with your partner by having a conversation that could potentially jeopardise what you have.

But, my dear C, where does that leave you? I know exactly where it leaves you! It leaves you unfulfilled and fearing rejection from your partner, should you ever share your fantasies or share the notion that you are dissatisfied with your current situation.

If you are not careful, resentment can start to set in, and once it does, it’s a bitch to shift! Plus, along with bitterness comes guilt, and they build, slowly, edging their way into your relationship, like a mould that grows on damp walls. Ignore it, and before you know it, that black mark will have spread through something that once was precious. 

How To Talk About Swinging 

But, there is hope! And it starts, as most things do in my world, with having an honest conversation. First with yourself, then your partner. 

You are already asking the right questions; you just need also to provide yourself with some answers, and it’s ok; if you dont have all the answers already, that’s what I am here for. 

Let’s talk about what you would like to experience? You say that you would like to be a unicorn, so that suggests to me (a fellow unicorn) that you wish to experience the swinger lifestyle unaccompanied as a ‘single’ woman. Is this because you want to explore it on your own or because you feel your boyfriend would not even entertain the idea? If you have never discussed swinging with him, then you may be surprised.

Now, let’s work on the assumption that he does not want to join you or that you want to explore it alone? Which, by the way, is completely fine too. 

Are you going to tell potential play partners you are in a relationship? Single girls in the lifestyle are hot property, and drawing up some boundaries is a crucial step. Is it only couples you would like to meet? From your boyfriends perspective, he may feel quite worried about you meeting single guys, especially if you are exploring the lifestyle without him. For many unicorns, playing with couples or other women is a much more appealing option as it can be quite intimidating for single girls to visit clubs alone and meet single guys. 

You ask the question, ‘What if it is not for me?’ well, the only way to find out is by exploring the lifestyle, and that doesn’t mean diving headfirst into a club. It can be impossible to know whether we will enjoy something new if we have never experienced it, and swinging is no different.

Here is an example. When I first began in the lifestyle, I thought I wanted to experience a gang bang situation. I fantasised about it, imagined it and couldn’t wait to get to a party to experience it. Then it happened, and truth be told, I didn’t find it as fulfilling as I thought I would. In fact, I would go as far as to say that I wish I never bothered, but I wouldn’t know that unless I explored it.

I’m not saying you should do this, but seriously, cut yourself some slack. We can’t be expected to know what a situation is like if we have never experienced it. It may not be for you, or perhaps part of it may, but other parts may not. You may find you enjoy watching others have sex? Or not?

Remember, there are so many different ways to enjoy the lifestyle. If you find something isn’t for you, chances are, something else will be. 

Remember, you are an individual within a relationship, with your own desires. I think that we often fall into the trap of being too complacent regarding sexual awareness within a relationship. After all, those desires that you had before you met your boyfriend, what happened to them? They didn’t just melt away. Sure, you may have put them on hold, but they are still there, and they are still part of who you are. 

We don’t just stop being our true selves when we meet someone. 

Temporarily, we might become a more diluted version, but this doesn’t mean we can’t return to full strength. 

Previously, I have put my sexuality on hold when in relationships. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t appreciate how fundamental being bisexual was, and it sounds ridiculous to say it now, but I honestly thought I would be able to turn it off. I couldn’t. 

The same principle applies to your sexual desires. You had them when you met, you wanted to explore sexually, and you still do. 

How To Tell Your Boyfriend You Want To Start Swinging. 

Before I launch into how to have that particular conversation, I think it would be advisable for you to have a conversation about sex and intimacy in general.  

Going back to your email, I believe that the two of you could benefit from an open and honest conversation about sex. Now, it may be that you don’t want to offend him or cause him upset, but I think most people would prefer honesty to no conversation whatsoever.

It sounds like you and your partner have different ideas about what you would like to experience sexually, and finding that middle ground is not something you have explored much. 

I’m not saying he is right or wrong in how he likes to have sex; after all, we are all different, and I’m sure he too will have desires he would like to share. 

Communicating your desires without blame or confrontation is, in my belief, the best way to approach the subject. 

I don’t believe that we should rely on other people to satisfy us sexually, fulfil our desires and make all our fantasies a reality. As individuals within a relationship, the responsibility for ensuring our sexual needs are met lies with us. 

Now, it could be that your partner facilitates these desires, for example, by enjoying mutual masturbation together, performing oral sex on one another, taking on particular roles when having sex? Or maybe enjoying all three? 

But if your partner does not want to, or cannot meet your sexual desires, for example, if you identify as Bisexual, what are you to do?

Never talk about them? Never explore the possibility? Absolutely not! However, In no way am I condoning cheating, disrespectful behaviour or coercion.  

Saying things such as ‘well, if you don’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will’ Is not the right way to go about things. 

Instead, what I am saying is you should explain how being intimate with one another, especially in terms of foreplay and kissing, is important to you. You need to feel desirable and sexy, and you have ideas about what makes sex great, independent of your relationship with him. You had them before you met; they haven’t simply disappeared. 

You shared with me how your confidence is currently non-existent. Unfortunately, self-esteem, confidence, and sexual desirability are all interlinked, and once you feel you are lacking in one of these areas, it can have a knock-on effect on your outlook on life and your wellbeing. 

I fully appreciate that me telling you you are amazing inside and out is not the same as having your partner tell you as he undresses you, and sometimes, we are not in a position where a new set of underwear does the trick either. However, I think once you start taking control of your own sexual needs, that inner confidence will grow. 

So, how to tell him you want to be a unicorn? 

Having a conversation is the hardest part. There’s no easy way to go about it; if there were, I’d be out of a job! 

How Your Partner May React When Talking About Swinging

It is normal not to know all the answers, especially when asked ‘but why?’ but what is essential, and what you should try and do as much as possible is understand your partner’s reservations. 

I can’t predict the future. But what I can do, and I’m pretty good at, is predicting how people will respond to certain situations, especially when the sex word is involved. 

Chances are, your boyfriend may be a little confused as to why you wish to explore this if you haven’t previously shared your sexual desires with him. Also, if he feels rejected, this is quite normal too. 

You need to understand that when a person reacts defensively to a situation, it is often down to the simple fact that they don’t understand something or feel threatened by it. And when it comes to sex, intimacy and your relationship, I fully appreciate where defensiveness comes from. After all, a relationship is sacred. We work hard to maintain bonds and establish trust. 

But this is where the swinging lifestyle plays a trump card. You can still have your family life, intimate life, and home life whilst still being a swinger. You don’t have to choose one or the other, and no one should be made to. 

Just because you would like to join a couple having sex, or maybe experience oral sex with a woman, it doesn’t mean you love him less or don’t want the life you have built with him. It is so vital that you and he understand that you can have sex and explore the swinger lifestyle without forming deep romantic bonds with other people. All the love you have for him and your life together can remain intact. 

But how? I hear you ask. Well, by seeing swinging or ethical non-monogamy for what it is. I believe that swinging should complement your life together. Add to it, enhance it, nourish it, but not detract from it. 

You can expect him to be defensive and to feel rejected; this is completely normal; I was like this too once, remember? But unless you talk about it, you will never know, and that my dear C is a future bleaker than wet Wednesday in February.   

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