How To Tell Someone You Like Swinging
How To Tell Someone You Like Swinging This article isn’t going to tell you how to talk to your partner about starting swinging.
Neither is it going to advise you on how to have that conversation.
I’m not going to sugarcoat the truth, and I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear.
Why? Well, firstly, I already have a lot of information on how to have the swinging conversation and articles on how to get started in the lifestyle. And secondly, I wanted to share what my journey has been like. Without glossing over the truth, I wanted to show you my struggles and how my experiences have shaped me. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing, I may be a full-time lifestyle blogger, dishing out the dating advice, but go back a few years and I was struggling to negotiate my way through the modern-day dating game.
I have been in long term relationships, casually dated and been single, but one constant has always remained. I have always identified as a swinger or practicer of ethical non-monogamy to give it an official title.
Call it what you like, I have always been true to myself, and for some people, this has been far too much for them to deal with, and for others, well, they have embraced it.
So this article is how I learnt to talk to prospective partners about my lifestyle involvement.
As you can well imagine, it hasn’t been an easy ride, and I shall share with you a few insights into the reality of what it means to be true to yourself.
I will be discussing where to meet other swingers and like-minded kinksters and what you can do to improve your chances of meeting someone already interested in Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, open marriage, or a combination of all three!
I shall also be telling you about a few dates I experienced that perhaps didn’t pan out so well… so as ever, sit back and let yourself be transported back to the summer of 2019. There’s no Covid, and I am out and about having fun in London enjoying and exploring the delights of the city!
Why Is Swinging Important To You?
People get involved in the swinger lifestyle for a variety of different reasons. Some enjoy full swap with their partners and attend clubs and parties together week in, week out. Others have open relationships where each person is free to have sex with other men or women, independently. And other couples may enjoy hotwifing or cuckolding. It is perfectly understandable that you want to be part of a couple where both of you are supportive and work together to fulfil your desires. It doesn’t matter how you like to be involved, if you enjoy the lifestyle, in whatever capacity that is then chances are it’s not something you are willing to give up easily.
And more importantly, why should you give it up?
I’m a firm believer and practitioner of doing what feels right for me. Yes, there is always room for compromise, for example, if I decided to take time out to start a family, then obviously my child would be my priority, but sell myself short and deny what I truly enjoy? Never.
However, being like this does come with its pitfalls, staying true to yourself, and your beliefs is hard to do.
Especially if like me, you are a people pleaser.
The first step is to embrace and accept who you are and what you enjoy, if you deny yourself the things that make you happy, you will inevitably be forever trapped in an uncomfortable situation and resent the one thing or person that’s standing between you and your true self.
When To Talk To A New Partner About Swinging
I’m a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, especially when dating and meeting new potential partners. What I wouldn’t do (and I learnt the hard way) is drop the bombshell on someone after a few months of dating. Especially if up until that point you hadn’t even hinted that you enjoy the lifestyle. The person on the receiving end of this news will have undoubtedly built up an idea of who you are and what you are all about.
Not only will it confuse them, but chances are you will be invested in them too both emotionally and potentially financially (you could have moved in together). Then it really is going to come as a shock. I’m not saying you can’t have the conversation, but if you were already established in the lifestyle before you met them, chances are a lot of questions will be raised, especially if this is something they have never considered.
It can be really difficult for people who aren’t in the lifestyle to understand why you chose not to tell them. The fact that you were reluctant to discuss this with them when you first got together sadly can leave them feeling unsure about your relationship. It’s perfectly reasonable that they may have fears and issues generated by you not being honest with them. In my experience, I have learnt that it’s not always the decision to bring up the ‘let’s talk about swinging conversation’ that was a bad idea, but the fact that I chose not to discuss it from the start of the relationship.
In no way am I saying you should attend the first date with an I heart swinging t-shirt on, or let it dominate the conversation, but you certainly shouldn’t avoid the topic altogether.
My top tips for telling a prospective partner that you are into swinging.
- If you identify as Bisexual, then the chances are it will come up in conversation, especially when talking about previous partners. ( I’m a great believer in honesty, remember) Gauge their reaction and see how they respond. If a person states that they could never date a Bisexual person, then that’s a pretty good indicator of how the rest of the conversation will go.
- Many people say they are ‘open-minded’, inquire politely as to what things they enjoy? Remember it’s not a competition and what you call having an open mind can be different from another persons take on it. You mustn’t be judgemental. Very often, it can be hard to open up out of fear of judgement. So, whatever a person is or isn’t into is perfectly fine.
- Instead of saying ‘my ex and I used to go to swinger clubs or we used to enjoy BDSM together’ try saying ‘I like swinger clubs’ and ‘I have enjoyed BDSM, it’s something I’d like to explore’. It’s you who someone is interested in, not what you did in your past relationships.
- You don’t have to go into specific detail about what you enjoy, as this can easily be overload for many people, especially on a first date. Telling someone who you perhaps have only been talking to for a short amount of time that you like to be tied down and spanked in a BDSM swingers club, or reeling off a list of fantasy fetish scenarios is quite a lot to digest. Although it might well pique their interest and desire for you, the reality is very different. Don’t share these details simply because it sounds super sexy! Trust me when I say this, people will go along with anything if they think it will lead to getting you into bed. When the chips are down, most people can’t handle real ‘non-vanilla’.
- It’s all too easy for people to get carried away with the romanticism of what it means to be in a swinger or alternative relationship. Plenty of people wouldn’t mind a threesome, but being committed to the lifestyle is very different. How would they feel about accompanying you to these events? Or perhaps being in a relationship where you will continue to enjoy this regardless of whether they are with you or not?
- Look for red flags early on. I know this sounds a little pessimistic, but I am a realist. A woman who says ‘I’d never let my man go to a swingers party’ or ‘I just don’t understand how a man could enjoy cuckolding’ probably isn’t going to be the right romantic partner for you.
- Stick to your true self. You know what you enjoy, and you probably have a rough idea of what you would like to enjoy in the future, so regardless of how sexy, gorgeous or charming someone is, be realistic. Take their words at face value and don’t attempt to gloss over the truth. If a guy tells you he wouldn’t enjoy sharing his girlfriend, then believe him, don’t let your heart decide, use your head! Check-in with your primary feelings (the initial ones that live in your gut) and use these feelings when making decisions.
- If you have shared what you enjoy, and your date says they need some time to think about it or reflect on what a relationship would be like with you, give them that space. Never try and convince someone they should date you if they want to, they will.
If You Meet A Prospective Partner Online
Going back to the start of this article, remember I said I was single a few summers ago and enjoyed the delights of the city?
Here are a few details of some of the dates I went on, where I applied a few different techniques until I eventually got it right. Sadly, I did learn the hard way, but that’s ok because we all get it wrong from time to time. The benefits of me getting it wrong is you don’t have to!
My usual date nights were Thursdays and Fridays. And I think I arranged this particular date for a Thursday night because I remember getting ready in the office before I left work. My date in question was a guy who I had been chatting to online. We had chemistry, a similar previous relationship history, and he was cute. Really cute. We arranged to meet in a bar near London Bridge (my old hunting ground), and the first half of the evening went pretty well until he asked about the ‘non-vanilla’ comment on my dating profile.
‘I enjoy bdsm and I’m Bi so, I do like to have sex with girls too’ I told him.
He cast his eyes down into his pint and didn’t speak for a moment or two. The evening continued, and we flirted, drank and at 10 pm I told him I had to go. Stumbling outside into the sleepy summer night, he pulled me close and kissed me.
‘This is so hard’ He said.
‘You’re perfect, but I can’t get my head around the non-vanilla, can I think about it?’ he asked.
I smiled, ‘sure, no pressure.’
I didn’t text him that weekend, and instead of worrying about seeking his approval, I got busy doing my own thing.
On Tuesday evening, he called.
‘You’re like my dream girl’ he began, ‘but I can’t get my head around your non-vanilla lifestyle, I think we are on very different paths in the bedroom.’
‘Don’t worry about it, I told him. ‘ I appreciate your honesty, I had a great time on our date.’
Now, this is a very positive example of what communicating your desires and needs looks like.
As you may have guessed, it hasn’t always gone like this. A few months prior to going on this date, I was out one evening with another guy.
We chatted online, flirted, built up some chemistry, and he asked me out for a drink. I remember it was Friday night. (prime date night) Again, we met at London Bridge and headed to a nearby bar. Conversation flowed, and although he was a little shy at first, he opened up, we laughed about the same things, and I decided I fancied him like mad!
Fast forward an hour, it was getting late, around 10 pm, and we were discussing experiences in London. He shared with me a few experiences of girls he’d met in the city. (He was Canadian) As did I; and proceeded to share with him about various girls and guys I’d met in the city.
He suddenly spluttered into his pint.
‘You what?!’ His eyes were wide.
‘I identify as Bisexual’ I added.
‘You mean you have sex with men and women?’ He asked.
‘Yeah’ I answered, suddenly aware that he had not seen this coming.
(I don’t know why as on my dating profile it did say I was not vanilla and I was looking for both men and women so..)
I smiled at him.
He didn’t return my smile. He looked disgusted.
‘You didn’t tell me this! You’re an animal!’ He exclaimed.
Oh boy, you don’t know the half of it I thought!
I finished up my drink and thanked him for the evening and left.
Top Tips If You Use Dating Apps To Meet People
If you use regular dating apps, like tinder or bumble or Grindr, then chances are you will meet lots of people, and get the opportunity to hookup. I know the appeal of dating apps, but finding someone who is open to ethical non-monogamy, on an outwardly seeming monogamous platform can cause difficulties, as I have demonstrated.
Even though I did write in my profile that I didn’t enjoy vanilla and was an open-minded woman looking to meet men and women in London, I still was approached by men who seemed to cast that aside and focus on only what they saw, (a cute, red-haired girl) and not the reality. (a cute red-haired girl that is openly Bisexual and not into vanilla sex) Now I suppose I could have grilled them a little more thoroughly in the initial texting stages, but I think I figured they knew what they were letting themselves in for? Right?
After several more dates that summer; some of which were sexy as hell but still didn’t feel right, I decided to delete the apps, and look elsewhere.
How To Meet Prospective Partners Online
There is a solution. And it works.
I have proof. Real living proof that you can meet like-minded people via the internet and you can hit it off and even fall in love! Ahhhhhh!
There are several methods, depending on what you are into.
You can sign up to make a profile a on swingers dating site if you are single and set your search preferences to search for other singles. This is a useful way of meeting other people in the lifestyle as your already on the same (web) page! You don’t have to have the discussion, as your online presence already does that for you.
If BDSM or kink is more your thing, then you could try either bdsm.com or Fetlife. Again, you will find loads of like-minded singles, and you wouldn’t sign up there unless you already had an interest.
I don’t know how many of you are aware of this fact, (my mother certainly isn’t) but S and I met via Instagram. We exchanged a few DMs and found we had a lot in common. He then asked me out on a date, to the park. It was all very civilized for a woman who had been previously referred to as an ‘animal’.
The great thing about meeting another like-minded person is this, even though you might not be totally in tune with one another’s desires, you already share a common interest. You might not be totally balanced in what you like, but the fact that you have met in the same place, whether that’s a swinger dating site, or by the #s you follow on social media, you already have an established shared interest, and that my friends is an exhilarating prospect.
I know that not everyone participates in internet dating, but you have to be realistic; using the internet to meet the love of your life is the way forward, especially during Covid times. Yes, you can try the regular dating apps, but if you are serious about being involved in either the lifestyle, kink or BDSM, use a more suitable site for your needs.
Never settle for less than you desire, compromise yes, but be true to who you are and what you are. Remember, if these things are important to you as an individual, do them because they make you happy. A relationship doesn’t define you.
To the Canadian who called me an animal, you do not deserve to know the half of it!Come and get involved on social!