When considering entering the world of swinging, it pays to do your research first and discover what the rules of swinging? And, if there are any rules, how best to follow them? Do the same rules apply for all situations?
Are there any Swinging faux pas that you need to be aware of so that you don’t end up looking like an awkward addition? As always, thiskindagirl has all the answers, in this, my ultimate guide to the Dos and Donts of Swinging!
Don’t let the fear of cringe-worthy situations with other clueless couples put you off. Soon, you will be sexy, savvy and in the know!
- Always establish what your limits are first. Do some research online, find out what the different swinger terms mean. ‘Soft swap’ ‘full swap’ and ‘ same room’ all have several meanings, and when chatting to other couples either online or in person, it pays to know what one another is talking about. You should never presume a person’s limits, and what you are comfortable with, might be a ‘hard limit’ for another.
- Coercive behaviour is a big no-no! Both men and women are guilty of coercing and even forcing others to take part in situations and acts perhaps they are not comfortable with. You should only ever do what the least experienced person is happy with. Let them guide the play and draw up their own conclusions as to what they feel comfortable with without the pressure of having to ‘perform’.
- Always play safely! This is an absolute must! It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is, or how clean they claim they are; let’s be honest; you have no idea who that person has been intimate with. If someone is willing to have unprotected sex with you, that in its self is a clear warning sign!
- When using chat rooms, or what’s app group chat, have the conversation together. Make sure all parties are included in the communication. It is essential to ensure that no one feels left out of a conversation or intimacy. Send pictures of you together, and if you suspect one part of a couple is absent or not even aware of the conversation, then this is an excellent indicator to the state of their relationship.
- Present your selves as a rock-solid couple. When attending a swingers party or event, you want to come across as charming, confident and comfortable with one another. Beauty comes from within and how you come across is vital at a swingers party. Standing with your arms crossed without talking to one another does not say ‘ we are willing to play’.
- Make time to have sex before you attend a party. Having great sex with one another is so important. I can’t tell you how many rude and kinky acts I like to get up to with my partner before we attend a party. Some things are just not practical and could be unsafe to indulge in with others. And some kinks are simply too extreme for other people. My advice is to enjoy them together, where you can relax and be as intimate as you want.
- Spoil one other before the party. Buy her that lingerie set she’s been eyeing up. Splash out on that aftershave he likes; it is so important to remember that you are also sexy for one another when you attend a swingers party. If you wear that bracelet, he bought you, tell him how it makes you feel loved and adored, regardless of how many people you play with.
- Take time out to reconnect with one another. At times, you may find yourselves in stressful situations, hardly seeing each other all week, and before you know it, the weekend rolls around and that party you had planned is beginning to feel like a chore. Don’t go. Instead, spend time reconnecting with one another. Go out for dinner, have great sex, maybe go away for the weekend. Whatever you do, simply enjoy the time together as a couple. Swinging should never feel like a chore, and if it does, I think that’s a pretty good indication that you need some time out.
- Do reach out to the swinging community for help and advice. When I first started swinging, I was amazed at how supportive and inclusive the swinging communities were. Everyone at some point has to attend their first-party feeling nervous as hell about getting it wrong. There are some great forums out there and blogs for you to enjoy. Reading about past experiences and scenarios is a useful way of relaxing into the lifestyle!
- Make sure you include your partner while you are playing with another couple or couples. Trust me, feeling his lips on mine as he gets a blow job from another woman is all the reassurance i need to know that I’m his woman. Your partner should never feel left out! Before attending a party, discuss potential scenarios you would like to act out where you are all included.
- Do keep your lifestyle private. I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell your vanilla friends and in an ideal world, we should all accept one another’s differences. But sadly we don’t live in a perfect world and, people around us can be very judgemental. It’s not their fault; they just haven’t led the same life as you. Three of my closest friends know about my partaking in the lifestyle. They support me unconditionally, but do I tell them what other kinks I get up too? No way! Some things will always remain private! So, Do keep some things strictly between the two of you!
- You should never presume your limits are the same as your partners or other couples. I can’t tell you how important it is to establish trust and set the boundaries first. Presuming what another couple are comfortable with is not the way forward.
- Don’t have too much alcohol! We all enjoy a drink from time to time, and it certainly loosens up the conversation at the beginning of the night, but drinking in excess is a big no-no! When you are mixing drink with intimacy, you want to keep the drink to a minimum and the intimacy as safe as possible. I have seen guys and girls who have had too much to drink being asked to leave a party. For me, if someone is getting too drunk, then chances are they aren’t willing to take too many other precautions! Give them a wide birth!
- Don’t take pictures unless you engage in a prior agreement! Most clubs I have been to, phones are strictly prohibited; in some, an official photographer provides any pictures taken. Even at private meets, it’s simply not acceptable to get your phone out and take pictures halfway through. Imagine if someone somewhere had a picture of you in a very compromising situation and shared it without your knowledge. If you do agree to pictures, take them without a full face or headshots. In a private setting, some couples are fine with pictures and videos being made. But you need to establish this beforehand!
- Don’t continuously chat with another couple, especially on what’s app group. It’s fine to have swinger friends, but you have to implement boundaries. Before I meet with my swinger friends in private, a few messages are exchanged in the week. We will discuss the details of the meeting, the logistics, what we are all wanting and what we are not wanting no participate in. Talk to one another about your problems at work or your cousin’s upcoming bar mitzvah, not your swinger friends. Don’t go overboard with messaging one another. Keep it simple! You may think this is a little cold, but trust me, the excessive conversation can lead to all kinds of problems.
- You should never arrange anything without your partner knowing! I know this sounds kind of obvious, but I once dated a guy who just sprung a threesome on me. (do you notice how I said dated) For some reason, he just presumed I’d be fine with it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a threesome, foursome, fivesome, but a conversation needs to happen first! I was not thrilled!
- Don’t go in bareback! Even if you know, the couple or the individuals involved there are some diseases out there that take weeks to show symptoms. It may be tempting, but it’s not worth the risk!
- Don’t argue or bicker in front of other couples. I have seen couples argue at events and its just plain nasty! Alcohol+insicurities+sex= arguments. I either of you is experiencing any negativity about the situation then I suggest you both leave the surroundings. Don’t bring your arguments into your swinging world. If you are still mad that he came home drunk and vomited on the carpet last week, now is not the time to bring it up. Leave all that shit out of the swinger situation. Move on, forget it, and if you can’t forget it, then discuss it at a later time.
- Don’t attend a party if you haven’t been able to spend time together as a couple. To enjoy the experience, you need to feel completely relaxed with one another. If you have barely seen one another all week and have matters you need to discuss, then waiting until a swingers event to see each other and discuss them is not a good idea. Take time out, go out for dinner, reconnect and move forward as a joint team!
- Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice about swinging. There is a vast community out there able to support and advise you. Chances are its these lovely people that can give you the help you need, not Sue and Paul who have never stepped foot in a sex shop!
My Golden Rules of Swinging
- Conversation- as you have probably noticed, I can’t stress to you how important it is to have clear communication between all parties. This doesn’t have to be in the form of an official pre-sex briefing ( mood killer) but talking casually about your likes, dislikes and limits is a must. Keeping the conversation light and informal while stating your desires and limits is sexy. It shows confidence and that my friends is a big turn on!
- Swinging should complement your already great relationship; the alternative lifestyle should enhance a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter if you have been together two years or twenty. If you have found that one person who supports you, enriches your life and adds value to your relationship, then you are onto a winner. If you are already having great sex you both want, then swinging will simply add to this. Swinger sex should never replace the intimacy you have with your loved one. Not ever!
- Safety first- I know I talk a lot about having safe sex, but it’s not just the physical safety aspect you need to address. Sex is an incredibly intimate act and, along with intimacy, comes emotions. Your partners physical and mental wellbeing should always be your priority. If you can see they are not having the best time, or are uncomfortable in any way, stop, remove yourselves from the situation and talk. Ploughing ahead with whatever your doing is not the answer.
I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this post! Id love to hear your thoughts on it! Please do get in touch with me; it would make my day!
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