Is It Normal To Experience Swinger Couple Jealousy? 

Is It Normal To Experience Swinger Couple Jealousy?Something interesting slid into my inbox recently; well, two things. Two brand new questions that I received that were just begging to be answered!

Now, I’m sure it doesn’t come as a surprise to you that one topic I am asked for advice on, week in week out, is understanding jealousy when swinging

However, I have also been asked for advice on another jealous aspect; jealous feelings amongst playmates and how best to deal with envy and jealousy amongst swinger couples. Could I share any insight into how to manage swinger friendships, and was it normal to feel possessive over other swingers? 

Well, you have most definitely come to the right place! As strange as it sounds, or coincidental, two different couples contacted me last week with questions along the same lines (something in the swinger air, perhaps?) 

I will, of course, be including both of the questions I have received and sharing my answers and offering my unique perspective on Is It Normal To Experience Swinger Couple Jealousy?

How Can I Manage My Emotions When I Swing?

Dear Thiskindagirl,

We recently met a couple who we played with, and now they want to play again, which we are both happy about. But my brain is going a little crazy about it. We are in a 4 way chat with them, but he seems to do all the talking, his comments make me feel like he really enjoyed it, and he wants to play again; however it feels like it’s directed solely at my wife, I know this probably isn’t the case, do you think my mind is working overtime?

I just can’t work my feelings out as it doesn’t feel like jealousy, more of a strange feeling. I had no problem with him playing with my wife; looking back at the night as a whole, I have no issues. I can’t get my head around the feelings I’m having. Please could you make an article on jealousy amongst swinger playmates and share some insight into managing your emotions? Not necessarily on jealous feelings with your own partner, but understanding why you may experience them with another couple?

Dear G, I understand entirely the overthinking… even if you don’t mean to; it can be hard not to overanalyse. So you are in a four-way chat, you had a great time with them, and you will play again.

First of all, this is great to hear! 

But now he’s talking to your wife on the chat, and it’s causing you to questions his intentions? Please remember that this is a four-way group chat; all members can see all messages, so the reality is, with this amount of transparency, he would be foolish to make a move on your wife in this way! You need to remember that’s she’s your wife, and she’s with you for a reason. Not to mention his own wife is on there too!

It’s hard not to feel a little overwhelmed by another person being like this; I have been both in your situation and hers. So I know what it’s like. Don’t criticise yourself too much… you are just human. Maybe your wife should state her boundaries on the chat. Or you both do it together. 

‘Hey, it’s great we met you, and we like chatting with you, but we are super busy with life etc. right now… we will chat later in the week.’ 

This sends a message… you are very much together and busy and enjoyed the fun. You have told him thanks but keep it cool bro!

Don’t be afraid to state boundaries… even if you feel bad asking him to back off.  

I know what it’s like when another person wants to message your partner, and outside of a play session, it can feel intrusive. Discuss your boundaries and limits with your wife; it may be that you decide to not participate in a chat group unless you are both present? Or that you only both communicate after 9 pm? 

Please Could You Help Me Make Sense Of Jealousy? I Need some Reassurance. 

Dear Thiskindagirl,

Recently, I realised I’d become slightly too attached to a playmate, finding myself upset when his attention was elsewhere, or he hadn’t reacted in his usual way to me.

We arranged a play session, but later it became apparent that the session might not occur, which left me quite upset. We had spoken about the things we’d all like to experience together, and then it possibly not happening at all upset me a lot more than I think it should have. 

A few weeks later, we met another couple, and they asked about other swingers we knew; I hadn’t realised we hadn’t spoken to them about these other swingers, in fact, I was sure we had. 

They wanted to ask about our other playmates (no names or details, just if we had any others). I didn’t respond well and felt like they were crazy for asking, and I didn’t want to share the details of who else we had been swinging with; I suddenly felt possessive. 

I believe I’ve made sense of it, but the experience of playing with a new couple has impacted on my other playmates negatively, which has left them feeling like I’m some crazy person. 

Please could you make a podcast on handling the emotions of other playmates? I need some reassurance. 

Dear K, 

I know what it’s like to meet a great swinger couple and build a good rapport with them. You chat, you have a date, you arrange a play session, you all click; it’s terrific! You don’t wanna let these people go! You continue chatting, and before you know it, you’ve invested your time and energy into them, more than you planned on doing, plus you feel possessive; these are your swingers! Other couples can keep their dirty hands off!

But your also bragging about them, not realising that you may well be oversharing in the process! Whilst you are gushing (excuse the pun) over John and Karen, who you met last month, with whom you have the most fun ever, the new swinger couple you are on a vanilla date with are looking at you like you are crazy!

If John and Karen are so good, then why aren’t you out with them? And why shouldn’t they ask what club you met that at?

But when they do ask, all of a sudden, you become possessive over your new beautiful besties. 

Ok. Stop! 

You are getting far too invested in these new people and losing touch on why you started swinging in the first place. 

Yes, you have met a great couple, and yes, you want to play with them and meet again, but you have to understand that everyone is leading their own lives. You were upset when they couldn’t play, and that demonstrates to me that you need a reality check. It’s ok to be disappointed when plans fall through, but feeling upset, is a different emotion in my book. If you are simply swinging with them, then see it for what it is. I know it’s frustrating when plans fall through, but it’s just fun, and make sure you always see it like that.

People are busy; maybe they were swinging with other people, maybe you have other swinger dates to go on? Cast the net wide, and don’t get all hung up on one or two other swingers. And as for feeling protective over them? I do understand it, but they are not yours to keep tabs on. There’s so many glorious swingers out there and lots of experiences to be had! 

Is It Normal To Experience Swinger Couple Jealousy? In Conclusion

I think you will agree with me when I say that both questions are honest, heartfelt and relatable. Who hasn’t felt a pang of jealousy at reading another person’s message, directed at their partner on a group chat? 

Who hasn’t felt possessive over swinger friends, to the point that they don’t want to share them with others? And who hasn’t felt attached to other swingers they have met? I’ll hold my hands up and say I have been guilty of committing all these! After all, if I hadn’t, how could I share my insights and experience? So if I’ve experienced them, that must mean I’ve processed them and learnt how to deal with these situations when they arise.

For me, it’s all about stating your boundaries from the beginning. If you are not comfortable being messaged throughout the day by another swinger couple, then say so, instead of continuously reading the messages as they come through, growing ever more irritated. If you feel that the messages are intrusive into your life together (and it’s ok to say you feel this way), then speak up. Sure, you may not want to come across as insecure, but trust me, it’s better to have that conversation and discuss it together, as annoyance and resentment can soon build when we don’t address these issues. 

As for feeling possessive, I know what it’s like to find other great swingers and want to keep them to yourself, but they are not your swingers to keep! 

Attempting to control another person’s or a couple’s actions, or keep them for yourself, is futile.

Regarding sharing information about other swingers, it’s only natural that other people may want to ask questions about them; we are all discovering, learning and seeking out new friendships! 

This is a piece of advice that you can apply to regular dating life and swinger dating life, and I think it is a perfect fit. 

Cast your net wide. Don’t settle for the first few couples you meet or first swingers you talk to. Don’t pin all your hopes on one or two people. 

Sure they may be great, and you may have found like-minded people, but imagine how many other amazing new friends are out there.

Becoming attached to one person or a particular couple is not helpful; in fact, it is holding you back from meeting more and more people. Don’t heavily invest your time and effort into one particular couple. Sure, you can have friendships and meet them numerous times, but they aren’t yours exclusively! See swinging for what it is, an added juicy bonus to your already fulfilled life! 

Come and get involved on social!

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