Top 10 Mistakes Made By Younger Swingers

Top 10 Mistakes Made By Younger Swingers, we all have to start somewhere in the swinging world and trust me when I say I learnt the hard way! I get a lot of questions sent to me by younger swingers so, in this post, I wanted to offer my advice on some of the mistakes that younger swingers could potentially make when dipping their toes into the non-monogamous lifestyle.

Not Communicating

The art of being a successful swinger is to be a great communicator. You have to be able to communicate with your partner, those you are playing with and yourself. Being honest about your wants and desires is the first step.
Talking about starting swinging is very often the most difficult hurdle to overcome. Becoming comfortable enough in your relationship to talk openly takes time and trust. You will never stop communicating and growing as an individual and as a couple throughout your swinging journey. Keeping your thoughts and emotions bottled up inside isn’t going to be productive; this will lead to negativity and resentment; by communicating how you are feeling; what you perhaps did and didn’t enjoy, you are allowing those thoughts and emotions to be discussed openly.
One of the biggest fears people have is communicating their desires to their partner and then facing rejection. Rejection from your partner is possible; after all, when faced with something unknown, very often, our first response is to be cynical about it. Read my article on ‘how to talk to my wife about starting swinging’ to learn more about communicating effectively.

Going Too Fast

Always move at the least experienced person’s pace, often the one who didn’t raise the subject of swinging in the relationship. Diving into too much too soon is not a good idea. Yes, you may want to experience a full swap scenario, but does your partner? Have you really spoken about it? Together? I believe that female-led swinging is the best option for new couples to get involved in the lifestyle scene. More often than not, it is the woman who is the less experienced and perhaps more apprehensive partner. So, move at a pace that suits her. Of course, it can also be the other way round; in this case, move at a pace the guy is comfortable with.
When you start swinging, emotions arise that perhaps you haven’t been prepared for. It’s prevalent to not know how you will feel about a situation until you experience it. You may want to experience a full swap or a group sex scenario, but these things take time to work up to.

Failing To Set Boundaries

Setting personal rules and boundaries is so important. I know that it can be hard to know exactly what you want to experience and what you don’t, especially if you have never considered swinging before. However, I always recommend that you start from a place of safe sex.


Once you have established what you are ok with, i.e. condoms for any sexual contact, including oral, and perhaps only participating in a soft swap, you can slowly begin to form your own unique rules.
If you fail to set boundaries, not only do you put the health of yourself and your partner at risk, you also risk damaging your relationship. What is ok for one person may be a big no-no for another. Respecting one another’s rules and boundaries is vital to a successful swinger relationship. If you are a single person, the same rules apply, establish your limitations and boundaries and respect those of the people you play with.

Don’t Be Desperate

I know it sounds strange, but it is easy to become ‘desperate’ in a swinger situation. There may be times where you perhaps haven’t met the right people but decide to play with whoever is there, even though you possibly don’t have much chemistry or enjoy similar things. Or maybe, you have been chatting to a couple online and decide to meet up with them simply because they are the only people who have messaged you. Whatever the circumstance is, my advice is don’t do it. Dont be tempted to simply hook up with the first couple that says yes to a date; take your time!

Don’t Take One For The Team

Swinging is about mutual enjoyment, and although you may have to compromise from time to time, ‘taking one for the team’ is not swinging! Being coerced or pressured into doing something your not completely on board with, or simply going along with proceedings to keep your partner or other swingers happy, is not what being in the lifestyle is all about either. If you end up ‘taking one for the team’, you will resent the lifestyle, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that you will probably find little pleasure in whatever you are participating in.

Understand That Other Swingers Can Be Shy

Being bold and making the first move can be daunting, but it’s important to remember that many swingers can be very shy, so sometimes it pays to approach them. I have met many swingers over the years who, although have been very enthusiastic about playing with couples, have had no confidence to approach them in the first place! I have only found this out because I have made the first move, and they have been relieved when I have. Even online swingers can be shy, so sometimes sending a polite and friendly message can help to kick start the conversation.

Don’t Take Rejection Personally

This is easier said than done. It is imperative to remember that we all face rejection from time to time, and you can’t please everyone! The only thing you can do, and should do, is accept it and move forward. When we are rejected, our next course of action is usually to criticise ourselves and then pursue the person rejecting us to find out why. Neither of these behaviours is helpful. If someone isn’t interested in you, they shouldn’t have to justify why they don’t want to take things further. Pushing them for an answer is only going to make them feel even more uncomfortable and you even more defeated. The only course of action is to accept it and move on!

Don’t Expect Too Much From Other Swingers

We all have our own lives to lead, and some peoples situation is different from your own. Many couples have kids and busy home lives, so for them, swinging is something that needs a lot of forward planning. I have found that some people are happy to meet for a vanilla date and then meet again to swing, but don’t wish to remain chatty during in-between times as they like to keep their ‘vanilla’ life and their swinger life separate. Always respect other peoples wishes and understand that they can’t always commit at short notice.

Having Too Much To Drink

One that I feel we have all been guilty of when starting swinging. It can be so easy to drink too much, especially if you are feeling nervous! I have been there; I know what it is like to be at a party; your nervous, you’re not feeling very confident, so you have a few drinks to relax. You start chatting to a couple, they get you another drink and another one, and before you know it, it is 12.30 am, and you have a banging headache and your drunk. A few drinks are fine, but I always pace myself and have a soft drink in between. No one wants to play with people who are drunk and slurring their words!

Don’t Always Expect To Play

This is something that I come across very frequently. Many people believe that simply because they are at a swingers party or event, they will automatically be able to play with other swingers. There is a lot more to swinging than turning up at the door! I often see people growing frustrated and impatient when they are in a club and aren’t involved in the action. Being a successful swinger is a combination of many things. How you approach others, what you are looking for, what you offer other people, how you interact with people.

Airing Your ‘Dirty Laundry’ In Public


Ok, so I’ve actually written 11 points here, but I feel that this one is essential and it is one that S and I have experienced relatively recently. We met a couple online, and we hit it off as they had similar interests to our own, and we arranged a vanilla date to get to know one another better. The date went well, and we ended it by saying that we would meet up again within the next few weeks. The four of us carried on chatting casually on the group we had set up, and the conversation dipped in and out of swinger related topics and regular life.

The guy then announced that he and his girlfriend had had a massive fight and were now sleeping in separate beds and were no longer talking, but ‘it had nothing to do with swinging, so don’t worry about it’.
S and I were not convinced and decided to call time on the group chat. Regardless of whether their falling out was to do with swinging or not, the fact that they shared that with us (which was non of our business and between them) didn’t fill us with confidence.

We all argue and we all fall out, but don’t drag it into swinging life! If you argue about swinging, as all couples will from time to time, then you shouldn’t feel compelled to overshare that with other swingers you want to play with!

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