What Not To Say When Starting Swinging

What Not To Say When Starting Swinging a few weeks ago, I wrote an article titled, Help; My Husband Wants Me To Try Swinging, and within the article, I included an email that I was sent by a husband who had reached out to me, asking my advice on how to talk to his wife about swinging.

Could I shed any light on why she had jumped to the conclusions she had about swingers and the swinging lifestyle? 

I, of course, offered him some advice and recommended a few of my other articles and YouTube videos. But it got me thinking. Although I have previously written articles on how to talk about starting swinging and how to have the conversation, I feel that there are still a few lessons to be learned when getting down and dirty with another couple. 

After all, how people bring the subject up in the first place could prove problematic, especially if one partner is far more enthusiastic than the other. 

So in this article, I will be sharing with you What Not To Say When Starting Swinging. Some of these examples come from emails or DM messages I have received, and others are conversations I have heard over the years when talking to other swingers and potential wannabe swingers, and one example is from someone I previously dated. (you can’t say I’m not the real deal!)

How To Talk About Starting Swinging, Without Scaring Your Partner Away! 

I have found that how the subject is broached in the first place is fundamental to how the less curious partner receives and digests the information you present them with. 

Let me give you an example. It’s not always the swinging or the non-monogamy that people find hard to get their head around; it’s the fact that their partner has decided to investigate this lifestyle, often enthusiastically, without talking to them about it first. This breeds mistrust in a relationship, and, seeing as a successful swinging relationship is built on trust, you need to make sure you have this building block in place first. 

Let’s say you are curious about the lifestyle. You decide to go online; you find a few swinger sites, you watch some porn, you fantasise about seeing your partner with someone else, you begin to form an idea in your mind of how you would like things to progress should you be in that same scenario.

Before you know it, you have a detailed fantasy of what you would like to experience, a browsing history that you feel the need to delete, and you can’t stop envisioning it. Whether that’s your wife with someone else or you having a threesome, this swinger malarky has got you fired up! 

From a woman perspective, the fact that their man has decided to explore this scenario and appears to have it all figured out is in itself quite threatening. After all, if he’s thinking about having sex with other women, he might not find her desirable anymore or love her. After all, why would he go to such lengths? Surely there must be something wrong with her? he might be wanting to cheat or leave her?

I’m not saying this is how all women think, but trust me when I say this is something I have experienced and have heard numerous times from women over the years. 

So, is there a solution? 

Yes, absolutely, and it all boils down to this simple technique. 

Slow the whole process down.

When it comes to opening up our intimate relationships, the slower you take things, the better. Diving in and describing in detail what you would like to experience/ see/ do/ have done to you will over face even the most open-minded of women.

Sometimes, it’s not always about the sex taking place, but more about the betrayal of trust and intimate connection that is the most threatening. If you roll over and say, 

‘I was watching porn the other night, and it had in it swinger couples. I’d love to have sex with other women whilst you get in on with a girl in front of me; I also looked at some swinger dating sites and thought that I might make a profile?’  

Her first reaction isn’t going to be ‘sure babe’ Instead; it’s going to be ‘why do you feel the need to have sex with other women? Arnt I enough for you and are you going to leave me for another woman, and what if I don’t want to get it on with another woman? What If I feel pressured? What If I get jealous?’ 

Why? Because men and women approach swinging differently.

 Initially, most women tend to view swinging as a threat to their relationship and not an enhancement. 

Before you start discussing the logistics, you should explain that your curiosity to get involved in the swinger lifestyle stems from a desire to go on this journey together and that you are in no way looking for a replacement for her. You aren’t seeking out another couple to trade partners with, but more as a sexy bonus to your already existing life together. 

How To Talk About Watching Swinger Porn

In some of my articles, I talk about the joys of watching porn and how beneficial it can be in your relationship. From watching MMF threesomes to gang bangs to first-time swingers, it’s a very popular topic on porn sites, and it’s easy to see why! Watching it and becoming inspired by what you see; is entirely understandable. I will hold my hands up and admit that I have been there too! 

However, I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that real swinger situations are nothing like porn. Like in regular sex, the sex we see in porn is unrealistic, hyper-sexualised, and often a gross misrepresentation of what sex is really like. It’s no different when it comes to swinger porn.

Where do you see the couples going out on a vanilla date? Establishing rules and boundaries? Discussing limits and having an honest conversation? Well, you don’t because no one would watch it.

But what you have to remember is swinging cannot and should not take place until these things have happened first. Expecting your partner to simply drop to her knees in a swinger scenario simply because that’s what you have seen on porn is entirely unrealistic, and if you think that’s what’s going to happen, I suggest you have a good long read of my what is swinging article. 

So, by all means, watch porn, but use it as a way of forming loose ideas and fantasies. If you decide to watch it with your partner, then talking about how you realise how unrealistic it is will go a long way. 

Think It’s weird I have included this? I was sent a DM on Instagram a while ago from someone who had decided to introduce his un suspecting wife to pornhub and swinger porn all in one night in the hope that she would instantly love the idea. Not cool bro, not cool! 

Explain Why You Want To Go On The Swinger Journey Together. 

In one of my previous articles, I think it is ‘ How Do I Convince My Wife To Start Swinging?‘ I talk about the importance of explaining that you wish to go on on the swinger journey together. I feel this is so important that I’m going to talk about it again here, but more in-depth, and give you a few clear examples of what NOT to say. 

I used to be in a relationship with someone who used ‘I’ when talking about his accomplishments, his future life, and when we talked to other swinger couples on vanilla dates or in clubs.

It was slightly alarming. Why did he feel the need to state that only ‘He’ would be doing these things? Was I not to be there with him? Enjoying it too? Did he not envision me in his future? It was unsettling.

The final straw came when he was bragging to a girl about how ‘He’ had travelled to this particularly remote part of the world and had undertaken a perilous trek across a mountain range.

News flash, I was there too, with him every step of the way.

Did he include me (his long term girlfriend) in this epic tale? Did he fuck! Not only was it quite disrespectful, (because let’s admit it, why do people feel the need to brag to the opposite sex unless wanting to seduce them?), but also, I felt as though he wanted her to believe he was on that journey alone. What a hero eh? 

Let me assure you; he most definitely was not. I, too, risked my life trekking that mountain, and all he could do was talk about ‘His’ accomplishments. It’s no different when people talk about swinging. Interestingly, he would also talk about swinger couples we had met in the same light. ‘He’ had ‘banged’ this girl, or ‘He’ had been to whatever club. The reality, of course, was that I was there too, but he seemed to forget that. 

It was a huge red flag. I soon realised that I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t see me as an equal or a partner to be respected and proud to talk to others about. I wanted to be with someone who embraced the past and present with me by their side. 

This may be an extreme example of some pretty shitty behaviour, but the same rules still apply when talking about starting swinging. 

Suppose you approach swinging or being ethically non-monogamous as something you and you alone would like to experience?

If you do, you can’t expect your partner to feel in any way included in your involvement in the swinger lifestyle. After all, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that by doing this, even if you don’t mean to mean to disclude them intentionally, it soon leads to mistrust within your relationship. 

What can you say instead? A good starting point is to explain how you want to go on the swinger journey together and that you can’t imagine being on this journey with anyone else.

After all, you love your partner, you want to withhold your existing relationship and all the emotional and physical benefits that come with it whilst still enjoying ENR, right? So that’s exactly what you are going to propose. By explaining that in no way are you seeking out a replacement for them or looking to run off with someone else (two common fears), then you will stand a much better chance of being met with an open mind as opposed to anxiety and worry.

The best way to do this is to communicate to your partner that they are at the centre of your world, and you recognise that there can be no swinging without them. This principle applies to both men and women; although I have written this article from the perspective of a woman advising men, the same applies when women talk to their male partners about starting swinging too. 

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